It’s been a while since I’ve sat down, feeling ready and excited to write a blog post. I have been totally absent from the blogging world for about a month as I was feeling disheartened and a little lost. The pressure for success was getting to me a little, along with my full time job and some personal problems. What was once my escape felt like a source of anxiety and I finally snapped, deleting Instagram off of my phone.
The past month has become a little bit of journey of self discovery, truly learning what I’m capable of and how to look after myself properly. Stress had caused me to put on 2 stone and I wasn’t happy with myself, editing youtube videos made me a little disgusted and I didn’t want to be online. Regrettably I started to relapse on my anorexia except this time I didn’t want it. Weight and food is never too far from my thoughts and I’m normally very aware of what will trigger me as I desperately want to be healthy. But over 2 weeks I suddenly lost half a stone as I restricted more and more to under 500kcal per day. Except mentally I didn’t feel good, I was tired all day and really struggled to concentrate and live my life. After sitting on my bathroom floor, crying because I ate something and ‘broke my diet’, I decided I needed a change. I wanted to be strong, fit and healthy not weak, emotional and constantly tired. So I went to the gym.
Exercise is something I have always avoided as I never thought I could do it. I didn’t like getting out of breath just incase I had an asthma attack and I was normally too tired to do anything. I was absolutely terrified on my first day but my boyfriend was so supportive and told me not to focus on everyone else there, do what I felt comfortable with and maybe I’d surprise myself. I absolutely did as well. I realised I wasn’t as unfit as I thought, my cardio endurance is pretty good if I stick at it and I’m actually pretty strong. I now love going to the gym and every time I leave I am filled with endorphins and that feeling of success. The best thing is I absolutely have to keep my calorie intake up to have the energy to go and perform well. I’m starting to tone and build muscle which is even benefitting me at work. I am also starting to love having additional protein shakes along with my meals which is something I would have never ever even considered before without feeling anxious about my weight.
The most important thing that I have learned is that the scales lie.
The left photo was taken at the start of my exercising journey and the right today, one month later. There is obviously such a difference and I achieved it without starving myself which makes me so proud. The other part of this is that my weight in both photos is exactly the same at 11 stone. This is something which would have me so disheartened and normally lead me to drastically changing my diet except I am so proud of the muscle I have gained. I have so much more energy and dare I say it, I am so happy right now. I love my new routine and I love that I’ve achieved this in a healthy way.
Anorexia will probably still be there in the background for the rest of my life but I am determined to keep it quiet. I want to feel womanly, I want to be strong and I want to be able to lift weights and run without fainting. I want to live.
If any of you are struggling right now, you can do it. You can beat it and you don’t have to do it alone. If you have an eating disorder check out Beat, the UK’s Eating Disorder Charity who has online message groups, helplines and online support groups.
Emily Mae x